Hello, I am the manager of an incredibly successful small business. I come before you today to confess that during this time of hardship, I have failed to address my business's wasteful and thoughtless spending, and have paid no attention to how a failing economy might affect the future operation of my business. This being said, I humbly regret to say that recently business has been under extreme pressure.
After seeing so many major corporations improve their situation by stepping forward to receive taxpayer compensation, I am now compelled to believe that there is no other way to improve my business's current situation than to ask for help from you, the taxpayer.
My company will need enough money to top off the assets that have been lost in its employee compensation accounts, and also enough to replenish the worth the company has lost in its long-term investments. In addition to capital losses, I will also call for enough to cover the mounting cost of inventory and the cost of its daily operation.
The name of my business is the Carner Family and all checks can be made payable to the same name.
Please disregard what was described in the first paragraph. If it were true, that is, if I ran my family like the people running those panhandling corporations, I would be unemployed, divorced and homeless. All of this while lacking one cent of compensation. Of course, now seeing how American taxpayers reward lying, cheating, greedy failures, I must consider that they may know exactly what they are doing. Anyone, go ahead and send the checks; at least you will know where they are going.