How people survive tough times

Almost without exception, those who survive a crisis give credit to one person who stood beside them, supported them no matter what, and gave them a sense of hope. Those who are survivors of a tragedy, understand the magnitude of what they've lost. Affirming what a friend has lost is a very important part of their healing process reports Mary K. Warner, Extension Educator. But all too often we are reluctant to talk about our problems, losses, hurts and feelings. Friends and family may be reluctant to ask questions or get involved, and are often concerned that they'll say the wrong thing. But the worse thing you can do is to not say anything.

When you care about a person, the words you choose to speak will reflect your sincerity and common sense. You can help your friend process through the grief. Those who have survived crisis have learned to be kind to themselves and not delay guilt recovery. Guilt can tear a person apart and delay grief recovery more than any other factor. A mother might say, "If only I'd buckled my baby in her carseat, she might have survived the accident." A farmer might say, "If only I'd taken out more crop insurance, we may not be selling the family farm." To diminish guilt, a person's good qualities must be consciously defined. People must know they have worth, strength and valuable abilities. Our friends suffering distress need a gentle reminder that all people suffer failures, make mistakes and need help at times. A person's value needs to be reaffirmed. Making a list of all the things done well will help them to 'make peace' with who they are and with living. Those who survive crisis need a reason to live. Help your friend see the many reasons for living, the contributions the person's made to family and community, as well as hope for joy and happiness after the sorrow and grief process.

For further information on family strengths contact your local University of Nebraska Cooperative Extension office. In Red Willow County call 345-3390 or toll free at 877-674-6947. Other resources include the Farm Crisis Hotline at 800-464-0258 or the Drought Information and Resources for Nebraskans Web site.