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Surviving the hazards of shopping
Are you feeling a little too good about yourself? Feeling like you're still miles from being over the hill? Do you feel all that dieting and exercising is finally paying off?
Here's a sure-fire way to test those questions: go shopping.
There's nothing like shopping to make you feel out-of-shape or old or all of the above. It doesn't matter where you go shopping or the type of shopping; what starts out as a feel-good excursion will turn into an experience bad enough to send you into counseling.
For beginners, head to the clothing section of the department store to determine your age.
As the saying goes, "If you've worn the style before, you shouldn't be wearing the style again."
Thank goodness, because I wouldn't want to wear the in-style clothing out there today.
Orange-and-yellow plaid was ugly in the '70s and it's still ugly today. Cropped halter tops flattered only 8-year-olds in the '70s and that's still the upper age for those shirts today.
The clothing department is the one slice of America which goes against the grain. As Americans pile on more and more pounds, clothing seems to be getting smaller. I swear a shirt I looked at the other day had less material than my kitchen washcloth and about as much appeal.
Shirts meant for a teenager usually fit -- in my eyes -- my 5-year-old daughter. By the time she reaches the size marked on the tag, the shirt will be out of style and will have hidden the shirt in the back of my closet.
Strolling through department stores actually helps me save money because I don't want to buy anything.
On the off chance I find something I like, there are still at least two more barriers standing between me and my purchase: the dressing room and the cash register.
Let's look at the latter first. I have developed such a need for sales, I can't and won't buy anything if it's not on sale. And not just that measly 10 or 25 percent off. The item in question must be at least 40, 50 or preferably 70 percent off the original price or, my favorite, off the sale price. That's better than chocolate.
If the item has passed the price test, the next failing will likely happen in the most depressing room on Earth-- the dressing room.
The whole situation is depressing from the moment you start undressing.
The lighting in a dressing room comes from Unflattering-Is-Us and shows every dimple, bulge and blemish on your body. The mirrors are leftovers from some circus's fun house and only those mirrors which make you look three feet tall have survived. And the size of the room is just slightly bigger than my shower stall at home, although I usually don't take a child in a stroller into my shower and I do at the store.
Shopping with kids. Now there's something to add for those people who just don't have enough stress in their lives.
Every shopping trip with my kids begins the same way: telling them to stay right next to me with the scolding, "If you can't see me, I can't see you," followed by a mad search of all the clothing racks, looking for a small set of feet hiding below.
(This, of course, is followed by the initial giddiness at finding your child and then the sometimes successful attempt not to strangle the child right there in the store.) For those who still would like to venture out of their house, here's a few little hits for your next shopping trip.
Memorabilia is popular now but should be purchased with caution. During a shopping excursion at a giant used book store, a sign in the front window read, "30 years of memorabilia for sale." Translation: 30 years of used stuff that hasn't sold and things we don't want to throw out with at least attempting to get some money for we take it to the dump."
Try to buy in the off-season. This is especially financially helpful with childrens' items, but also especially difficult. It is hard to predict how much your child will grow by the next season. On the off-chance you can determine your child will grow from size 11 shoes this spring to size 2 boots by next winter, you face a second problem: finding the item next winter. How many times have you stumbled across a pair of shoes meant for you child to be worn three years ago or found the absolute perfect Christmas gift in the back of your closet the day after Easter?
And just because an item is on sale doesn't mean it is a good buy. Ask yourself three simple questions: Have I worn this style before -- 30 years ago? Will this item be out of style before I get home? Does this item have less material than my daughter's nightgown? If you answer yes to any of the above questions, run, don't walk, from the store.