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Helping kids from hard places to connect
McCOOK, Neb. -- With two adopted kids and four of their own, Erin and Craig Merrihew have their hands full. But when what worked before didn't work anymore, they knew they had to try something different.
"I always felt we were suppose to (adopt) and knew it wouldn't be a fairytale but wow, is it hard work," Erin said, who homeschools her kids.
Last year, in a "desperation mode," she attended an "Empowered to Connect " conference hosted in Omaha and began to see light at the end of the tunnel. "I've learned tools to connect, counter-intuitive to what I've always done," Merrihew said of new parenting skills discovered at the conference.
Merrihew's belief in the program led her to help bring an "Empowered to Connect" conference to McCook, a two-day simulcast on April 8-9, at the Cornerstone Fellowship, 402 W. Fifth. It's open to everyone, but targets those with adopted or foster kids, or those thinking about adopting, as well as social workers, agency professionals, child care workers, church staff and ministry leaders, counselors, therapists and any parent struggling to connect with their child.
Children that suffered neglect or abuse in the first three years of their lives are at risk to develop unhealthy patterns of attachment that affects their ability to have a close relationship. Some risk factors that can cause this include time spent in a neglectful or abusive home, living or growing up in an orphanage, changes in foster care living situations or having a mother who suffered from postpartum depression, drug addiction or alcohoism and is unable to meet the child's emotional needs.
As a result, what works with most kids won't work with kids who have developed unhealthy attachment patterns.
"ETC teaches that kids from hard places have a shame core, as they don't understand why they aren't with a birth mom or dad or why hard things happened to them," Merrihew said. "When they are corrected, even for the smallest thing like their shoes are on the wrong feet, it hits all the way down to the hurt they have in their core." Fear is the primary emotion for these kids and drives their unhealthy behaviors. They react negatively and disproportionately, connecting in a way that actually hurts the other person.
So Merrihew had to learn how to correct behavior in a way that disarms fear and retrains the child to connect in an appropriate way, that would bring her closer to the child instead of causing the child to push her away.
"This kind of correction says we're in this together. Otherwise, the child won't heal and be able to connect with people later in life."
If not addressed, children may grow up not being able to share emotionally and appropriately with another person. Merrihew said studies show that only 30 percent of adults have true healthy attachments.
Tools that she's learned at the conference are making a difference, she said. "Re-do's are huge," she said, when the child goes back and acts out appropriate behavior: after throwing a toy, the child goes back and places the toy on the floor. There is also the "Think it over spot," not a time-out in that you send them away, she said, but rather a place where you remain with the child and he or she thinks about what they did wrong, until the child tells the parent when they are ready for a re-do.
"I had to look past the problem to the message the child is trying to say. It's not so much about obeying, but sweet ways to connect, it totally works."
Since learning new parenting styles at the Empower to Connect conference, "I have so much more hope than before, that I can be helping my sons' hearts heal."
The conference in McCook runs April 8-9, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. A break for lunch and lights snacks will be provided. If registering through Holt International, the cost is $25 per individual and $40 per married couple. To register, go to https://holtinternational.org/events/empowered-to-connect.php Contact Merrihew with questions at cemerrihew@hotmail.com.