Pondering the 'Wearable Towel'

Belle (in a voice that's mostly suspicion, with just a hint of revulsion): "Mr. Simpson, are you wearing a paper bag?"

Homer (in a voice that's rather matter-of-fact, yet can't quite hide the defiance): "I seem to have misplaced my pants."

Oh, if only the patriarch of the animated Simpson clan had access to the "Wearable Towel."

(And before you rub your eyes in disbelief and beg to be pinched from your reverie -- no, you aren't having a beautiful dream; the "Wearable Towel" has finally come to fruition. Cue the marching band.)

Undoubtedly, the remarkable success of the "Snuggie" (a/k/a "the blanket with sleeves!" in case you forgot) has begat this entirely new clothing-optional clothing option, an all-cotton towel that can be wrapped around the body and -- according to the company's Web site -- "worn in either a tunic style or a toga style."

The site features an elaborate dramatization of the product's concept, which, simply put, is that regular bath towels are far too complex for human use, especially if you want to hang around in one throughout your everyday activities.

You can make your arguments: what about opposable thumbs? Eye-hand coordination? Or, Heaven forbid, putting on actual clothes?

Ah, but there is your mistake. Nothing says pure luxury (with that subtle hint of Greco-Roman decadence) than being able to lounge about in a towel all the live-long day. What with society's go-go-and-go lifestyle nowadays, it's almost shocking that this idea hadn't yet come -- uh -- again. And really, why shouldn't all humans in all epochs be able to partake? (Or at least the ones without bathrobes handy.) For the paltry, "practically-giving-it-away" price of $19.95 plus shipping and handling, you too can share in the joys of wearing a single piece of damp cloth for hours (perhaps even days!) on end.

The ad features beautiful people parading around in their "Wearable Towels," enjoying the kind of active, fun-loving lifestyle that you too could be enjoying, if only you had a "Wearable Towel" of your very own, hint-hint.

Look! A pretty girl wears a "Wearable Towel" to a barbecue! She's not scared of open flames!

Wow! A hunky guy in a "Wearable Towel" picks up a newspaper from his driveway! He's not afraid of potential accidental public nudity!

Hey! A couple lays across their bed in matching "Wearable Towels!" They're so not concerned about mold and mildew growth in their comforter!

The unmistakable message of all this? "Hooray! Life's a bliss-filled delight -- and no longer a stifling, joyless slog -- since the 'Wearable Towel' came into it!"

But I must pause to wonder why the ad didn't explore the "Wearable Towel's" potential during more of life's activities. Why not show people wearing them to school? Or to a job interview? Or a funeral, even?

I'm kidding, of course.

The "Snuggie's" much more appropriate for a funeral. It does have sleeves, after all.