A checklist for marriage

We've spent a lot of time over the past four weeks in the Love and Relationships class I teach discussing and pondering the love choices we make and how we can know whether the people we choose really love us or not. I've never really been a big fan of "How To" lists, especially when it comes to interpersonal relationships because we're all different and it's highly unlikely that there is a "one size fits all" formula that works the same way for everyone, although there ARE certain things it's hard for a happy, successful marriage to do without.

I've long believed that one of the greatest inventions man could ever make would be a "Love Detector Machine" that would tell us instantly whether or not the person who says they love us really do or not. Once they utter those words to us, we could just hook them up to the machine and the machine would tell us yes or no. That would save a lot of people a lot of heartaches down the line but, of course, we don't have a machine like that and probably never will so we have to rely on other things.

Several commonalities keep popping up as we discuss this question of "how do we know" in class and I thought I would share them with you this week.

1. MARRY YOUR BEST FRIEND

This one is the hands-down winner so far and it's also something I've always subscribed to as well. The person we develop a love relationship with ought to be the person we would rather be with more than anyone else. It should be the person we would choose over everyone else to walk shoulder-to-shoulder with through the ups and downs of life, knowing they will always be there for us through thick and thin. That's the way we tend to describe a platonic best friend and I think it applies to our mate as well. If you look for reasons to spend time away from your spouse instead of with them, you may have made the wrong choice.

2. MARRY SOMEONE YOU'RE EMOTIONALLY, SOCIALLY AND SEXUALLY COMPATIBLE WITH

We've all heard the old adage that opposites attract and they most certainly do. The problem is that even though opposites DO attract, they tend not to last. Sometimes we're initially attracted to people who have qualities and characteristics we don't have and that allows us to live vicariously through them for a while because they live in a different world than we do. But over time, those differences that first attracted us to that person can become problems and the very things that made us like that person in the beginning now makes us dislike them and disliking things about the person you're married to is not a recipe for success. On the other hand, the more things we enjoy doing with our spouse, the greater our chances become of having a long-term, happy relationship.

3. MARRY SOMEONE YOU CAN TRUST AND BELIEVE

Trust is the foundation of any relationship, marital and otherwise. And the structure is only as strong as the foundation it's built upon. Regardless of what else two people have going for them in a relationship, if they don't have a basic trust in their spouse to tell them the truth and be honest in all things, even when those things might be extremely painful, then the relationship will eventually crumble because the foundation the relationship was built upon (trust) has already crumbled.

4. MARRY SOMEONE THAT MAKES YOU SMILE

Couples who have the ability to make each other smile ALWAYS have a leg up on couples who don't. Life is too short and too fleeting to be stuck in a relationship with someone who always sees the glass as half-empty and finds little humor in the world they live in. Not only does smiling and laughing together make us feel good, research has proven that it actually makes us more physically healthy as well and enjoying life with our life partner is a crucial element of this component. Marriage isn't about competition, it's about cooperation and life is always more grand when we go through it with a smile on our face instead of a frown.

5. MARRY SOMEONE WHO MAKES YOUR HEART SING

Finally, we should love being in love and we should certainly love being in love with our spouse. A gentle touch or a look or a kiss should produce the same "goose-bumps" within our soul and make us "feel like we're 14 again" twenty or forty years down the line as it did in the very beginning of the relationship. Some people believe that these kinds of intense, emotional feelings can't last but I promise you they can. They lasted for me and they can last for you if you're with the right person.

This is certainly not an exhaustive list at all but it's sure a good starting point. If you can answer in the affirmative to all five of these qualities, you're way ahead of most married couples in the world and have an excellent shot at a long-term, happy, fulfilling relationship with each other.

If you can't, you might want to reassess before it's too late.