A basic assumption of life is that people seek pleasure and try to avoid pain and, for the most part, this is true. A conundrum exists, however, in the way some people define these two experiences that appear to be at opposite ends of the spectrum. Because for some people, pain IS pleasure.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month and I address this topic each year at this time. Domestic violence and abuse remains one of society's "dirty little secrets" because the shame and humiliation that goes along with being a victim often prevents them from making their abuse public. Around 90 percent of domestic abuse victims are women and, for those who have never been exposed to abuse, it's difficult for them to understand why a woman would stay in this kind of relationship.

Abuse victims often realize the absurdity of their situation and they also understand why it's hard for people who know nothing about it to understand why they DO stay. So instead of telling others about their situation, they keep quiet because they know their answers as to why they stay won't be understood by anyone they might tell. Unfortunately, this sometimes applies to law enforcement officers as well.

Abuse typically doesn't begin with physical abuse; it usually begins with belittling, criticizing and tearing away the victim's self-esteem and self-concept.

The victim is told she's no good, she's dumb, she's stupid, she's ugly, she makes bad decisions and she's lucky to have found a guy who would put up with all her faults. In other words, the offender convinces the victim over time that it's all her fault and if she would just behave the way she's supposed to, the abuse would stop. Of course, the abuse hardly ever stops because the offender is always able to find something the victim either did or didn't do so he can abuse her again.

Something that isn't often said out loud and the domestic violence literature never mentions is that some women stay in abusive situations because they have been conditioned to actually like the abuse. They have been so stripped of any positive definitions of themselves that they actually see the abuse as a declaration of love on the part of the abuser. They rationalize that if the abuser didn't love them, they wouldn't care what they did or didn't do, and the abuse would stop. They believe that the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. So when the abuser goes into a rage and abuses them emotionally, psychologically and/or physically, to them that is an expression of the abuser's love for them; thus their pain turns to pleasure.

This is one aspect of the human condition that is difficult for many people to understand because, for most of us, there is a very clear distinction between pain and pleasure but for some people there isn't. Recent research indicates an increase in "rough sex" occurring between people in intimate relationships. There are adult stores scattered across the landscape that specialize in products designed for these kinds of encounters as well as thousands of sites on the Internet. To these people, pain mixed in with pleasure is the greatest aphrodisiac.

Consequently, it can be concluded that some women in abusive relationships with men stay because of this factor. The line between pain and pleasure has become so blurred for them that what would be someone else's pain becomes their pleasure and their reminder that the other person still cares about them.

Women in these kinds of relationships are much less likely to leave their abusers than the victims who still see a clear distinction between pleasure and pain.

But regardless of the reason why victims stay in abusive relationships, hurting someone else against their will is still a crime, so if you know of someone in an abusive situation, report it to the authorities.

You may be saving their life.