Opinion

Fighting can be beneficial

Friday, June 27, 2008

Many people avoid conflict because it is so unpleasant. Conflict with a stranger, especially when that person acts superior, can be degrading. Conflict with a loved one, however, is especially painful. It can feel like the ties that bind are being stretched -- and sometimes snapped -- in such a conflict. In a heated argument, emotions fly off the charts, people say hurtful things, and anger reigns.

But even the worst fight can be beneficial.

Sometimes, fighting is about trivial things. Sometimes, it's about the really important things. Sometimes, it's everything all mixed together. Either way, a fight should not be avoided just because it is unpleasant. In fact, a healthy fight now and then can actually strengthen a relationship.

I recently had a fight with my fiance that might be comparable to World War III. Nasty comments were flung, the phone was hung up twice, and the actual point of the argument was almost completely forgotten. The argument was important -- but we were both distracted from the main point.

At one point during our fight, he accused me of always interrupting him, and I countered with the rather vitriolic statement of "Well, I wouldn't have to if it didn't take you 15 minutes to make a simple point." Well, who could blame him for hanging up at that point? I could and I did. I called him up and demanded an apology, and became angry at the fact that he demanded one as well. We fought like cats and dogs for about another fifteen minutes. He was angry, I was in tears, and the phone bill was getting bigger all the time.

At this point, I am sure all of my readers are thinking, "And this was beneficial to your relationship how?"

Because of the fight, however, we did eventually get to the bottom line. We persevered through to the end of the fight, and did the most important part of any fight -- the resolution. Once we figured out what the fight was really about, we both started to think rationally again. Sometimes, it's necessary to have a fight to figure out what the real fight is about. Our mudslinging was just that -- finding out what the heart of the problem was. And once we started thinking rationally, we were able to discuss the problem and resolve it. Then came the most important part of the fight -- apologizing and compromising.

The reason that fighting can be beneficial in a relationship of any kind, as long as it is carried through to completion, is because it forces you to find out where each of you stand on the important issues. And resolving those issues can bring you closer together.

For example: two roommates fight about how one is neat and the other is messy. If the fight is carried through to its resolution, it can be strengthening to their relationship. Both sides give a little, and the relationship works more smoothly.

The fight I had with my fiance was a very difficult one to persevere through. Both of us were tempted to quit the fight before we made it to the part where we apologized and compromised. Had we done that, the relationship would have been weakened rather than strengthened. That would be like breaking a leg without putting a cast on it.

In fact, a broken bone is a good analogy of a fight in a relationship. When a broken bone is properly set and it heals, it is a stronger bone than before. If it is not splinted or put in a cast, it ends up weaker than before.

Even fights about petty things should not be avoided--because petty things, if allowed to build up, can cause an even bigger fight down the road. It's best to deal with them when they pop up, so that your next fight does not become a litany of accusations. A fight should really only be about one thing at a time in order for it to really be beneficial.

However, even the worst fight can still strengthen a relationship. My fiance and I have made it through several fights, many of them over the phone, and I think we are stronger for it. I had several fights with my college roommate, and we are best friends now. I have even fought with some of my dearest friends about certain issues, and if I had let those issues be, the relationship would not be as strong as it is.

The bottom line: God can use even the worst fight to strengthen a relationship; apologizing and compromising are the most important parts of any healthy fight.

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