I became involved in the prevention and elimination of domestic abuse eight years ago and twice a year, usually in March, and always in October because it's national domestic abuse month, I write about this horrible tragedy that goes on behind closed doors and drawn shades and blinds all across America. It is, for the most part, not only done in private but it is also kept private. Women (90 percent of domestic abuse victims are women) tend not to tell anyone about the emotional, psychological and physical trauma and harm they experience for obvious reasons.

They don't feel like they can tell their friends or other family members because the first thing out of the other person's mouth is almost always, "Why don't you leave?" and the abused woman knows she doesn't have an answer that will satisfy them.

They don't have answers that will satisfy most people because they often don't even have an answer for themselves. We've all heard the phrase, "too close to the forest to see the trees" and this is often the case with abused women. The abuse usually starts early on in the relationship in the form of emotional and/or psychological abuse. The victim is constantly put down and humiliated by her abuser. He tells her she's ignorant, or stupid, or unattractive or a thousand other ugly slurs that rob her, bit by bit, of her self-esteem and self-respect. She eventually hears it long enough and often enough that she begins to believe the assaultive things he says. When he gets her to that point, the physical abuse often begins. He has convinced her that she has no worth outside of him and he only "hits" her to correct her behavior. He tells her that all she has to do to avoid punishment is to "act right", thus cementing the belief in her mind that whenever the abuse happens, it's always her fault.

The abuser is intimately aware of this process. He knows what he's doing and saying and why. He knows he will be able to convince her that everything is always her fault and that whenever he "disciplines" her, he's doing it for her own good and because she deserves it. If she would just "act right," he would never have to abuse her at all and she believes it.

Because of this psychodrama played out over and over between the abuser and his victim, a "cycle of abuse" develops, because abuse is seldom continual. Things will be okay for awhile, the wife convinces herself that there's never going to be any more abuse, then she makes a mistake by doing something he doesn't want her to do or not doing something he does, and the psychological and emotional abuse always follows. Heated arguments ensue with the same name-calling and verbal put-downs he has displayed many times before and this emotional/psychological abuse eventually ends up in physical abuse once again. The husband reminds her once more that if she would just act right, he would never have to do these kinds of things, she promises herself and sometimes him that she won't ever do anything again to deserve being abused, and the honeymoon period follows until the next time. This process is repeated over and over and over, and each time it happens, she thinks it's the last time. And it is, until the next time.

Abusers themselves tend to have low self-esteem, so controlling and abusing their victim is perhaps the only thing in their lives they have complete dominance over. By abusing their wives, it builds them up, at least in their own minds, because there's at least one small corner of their world they can control completely.

In addition to the kinds of abuse already mentioned, other kinds are part and parcel of this process as well. The abuser convinces his wife that she wouldn't be able to make it without him; that no one else would want her but him. She often has a lower paying job than he does and is convinced that she couldn't make it on her own, especially if she has children. The abuser often finds a place to live that is secluded and away from others, so he can not only isolate her but carry out his abuse as well without anyone else seeing or hearing it.

The victims of abuse try to put on a happy face when they're out with others, not wanting to do or say anything that might give away the shameful secrets of their lives that happen behind closed doors.

And it happens in the Heartland, just like it happens in the big cities. The domestic abuse hotline in this area receives approximately 1,500 calls a year and this tends to happen year after year.

Men who physically abuse their wives are cowards of the first order and the only possible way to ever decrease this crime is to drag them out from under the rocks they hide under and expose them to the bright sunlight of ridicule, shame, and punishment. Only when they have direct consequences to pay will we ever start to solve the problem of domestic abuse. Because every time a woman is struck, thrown against a wall, or drug across the floor and she stays, it only encourages her abuser to do it again.

If you know about abuse, report it. If you see abuse, stop it. It will take the efforts of all of us to put a dent in these horrific acts of domination, control, humiliation, suffering and, sometimes, death.

-- Mike's book, "Thoughts About Love: You Take My Breath Away, is now available at Amazon.com Just go to amazon.com, click on books, then type in Mike Hendricks in the search box.