Whenever we hear the phrase, "mess around" as in "did you know that John's "messing around" on Julie, we naturally think about infidelity. "Messing around" has long been the euphemism society uses for having an affair. And certainly it continues to apply. But there are lots more ways to "mess around" on your spouse than keeping company with another person.

 

There are all kinds of "things" that can also be our mistress, both for men AND women. I know people who would never think of having an affair with another person but they daily have an affair with a bottle or with a drug, or with friends, or with work, or with fishing or hunting, or golfing, or with a hundred other things one could think of. And even though most of those who do this would never put these "affairs" in the same category as having an affair with another person, in many ways it's not too different at all.

 

One of the definitions my dictionary has for "affair' is "an event or happening that occasions or arouses notoriety, dispute, scandal or incident." If your spouse would rather be with another person than you, it's an affair. If your spouse would rather be at the bar than with you, it's an affair. If your spouse would rather do drugs or hunt, fish, golf, hang out with friends or any number of other things than be with you, it's an affair.

 

I want my meaning to be clear in this column so that you don't misinterpret the message. I'm not talking about the occasional exercise of any of the above. Occasionally all of us need a break from the other person, even if it's our soulmate, the love of our life, and the one person we would rather be with than anyone else in the world. The key word here is "occasionally." Occasionally means "from time to time" or "now and then." "Habitually" means regular or usual. So there's a big difference between the two words. If your spouse is habitually seeking comfort, fun, excitement, companionship, camaraderie, etc. away from you, they're having an affair, regardless of who or what the object of their affair is and that's the point of this column.

 

The real question is what has happened in the relationship to bring them to that point? Most people get married because they've found the one person they believe they want to spend the rest of their lives with. Then years or months or sometimes even weeks later, it seems they're spending more time away from them than they are with them. We see examples of this every day. When it happens, it's an obvious red flag that something is seriously wrong with the relationship but most people who are doing it refuse to recognize it. They make alibis and excuses that they just need a little time away, or even worse, they're giving the other person a break from them. It's not that they're necessarily lying when they say this because, as often as not, even they don't recognize what they're doing. In other words, they believe the alibis they're giving. These are the people who are most surprised and shocked when they have divorce papers served on them. They actually convinced themselves over the course of time that they were behaving normally and doing exactly what the other person either wanted them to do, expected them to do, or both.

 

Usually, however, this isn't what the other person in their life wants or expects them to do at all. And when they do these things regularly and habitually, the other person in their lives feel like they're being cheated on, whether it's with another person or not. Objects and things can alienate our feelings from the person we're married to the same as another person can.

 

That's why I've never understood people who get married and then continue to live their lives as if they weren't; doing their own thing and going their own way, the same way they behaved before they got married. And the research bears me out because the divorce rate for people who are always looking for something to do or somewhere to go without their spouse is higher than the divorce rate for people who would rather spend time with their spouse than anyone or anything else. The unhappiness rate for those who DO stay married, yet spend a lot of time away from their spouse is also higher than for those who choose to spend time with each other.

 

I'm not the poster child for a successful marriage because mine ended in divorce as well. But I do know that for over 20 years, until I moved to Nebraska and my wife stayed in Arkansas, we always made the choice to be with each other instead of seeking out other people or pursuits. In fact, we regularly turned down opportunities that would allow one of us to do something but not the other. We either did it together or we didn't do it at all.

It worked for us and it's hard for me to understand why it wouldn't work for anyone who is really in love with the one person in the world they decided they wanted to live the rest of their lives with. We see these people everyday too; people married to each other who do things together because they genuinely enjoy each other's company and would rather be with their spouse than anyone else.

 

If you would really rather be with someone else or doing something else, anything else, than spending time with your spouse, maybe you should get out of the way so your spouse can go find someone that would rather be with them.

 

Because of all the love songs and love poems that have ever been written, I've never heard or read one that said "You are the sunshine of my life and I can't wait to marry you so I can spend as much time AWAY from you as possible."