My husband had a dream about an old lady kissing him.  She smelled like fruit.  That was his excuse for getting up at 4:30 in the morning and taking a shower. 

We had gone to bed late the night before because we were busy packing for a trip we were going on the next day.  Six o'clock in the morning was the scheduled time of departure and that was already too early for my sleep-deprived body.

Getting up at 4:30 a.m. was pushing the bounds of common decency and taking a shower one thin wall away from my private slumber was enough to put me over the edge.  My red-rimmed eyes stared daggers at him as he emerged, fresh as a daisy, from his early-morning shower.

We had to drive for nine straight hours that day.  After two cups of coffee, he was good to go, while I dragged my carcass into the passenger seat and slouched in misery.  How dare he wake me up so early when he knew I'd have to get up so early!  In my delusional state, I figured the extra hour and a half would've made a huge difference in my disposition, but the truth is, I probably would've been growling like an old bear anyway.  The difference was simply that I thought I had a reason this time.

I glared at him from the time it was too late to turn back until he finally looked and me and said, "What?!"

Just like a man, I thought.  He wants me to tell him what he did wrong.  So just like a woman, I said, "Nothing!"

After fuming for another hour I finally gave him what he'd been asking for. 

He said, "You're not very talkative today."

"That's because some people like to actually sleep at night!  I'm one of them!"

"What do you mean?  I slept fine."

"Fine-sleeping does not include getting up at four-freakin'-thirty in the morning and taking a flippin' shower!"

"Oh.  That's what you're so grouchy about."

He'd obviously never read the rule book on arguments, because it clearly states that you're not supposed to call a grouchy person…well, grouchy.  They become downright hostile.

As I searched my feeble mind for a stunning comeback and came up empty, he continued.  "I had a dream about a wrinkled old lady who smelled like fruit, kissing me…"

"You cheated on me in your dream?!  With an old lady, yet?!"

"Yeah, and I felt so disgusting, that I had to get up and take a shower.  I think I might need therapy."

Oh, he was good.  He was real good.  I started to wonder if I should believe him or not.  Then I considered the fact that if he wanted to cheat on me in his dreams, he could have chosen anybody he wanted to.  He picked a wrinkled old lady…Then he took a shower afterward.  Well, maybe that wasn't so bad.  In fact, maybe it was even good.

Four-freakin'-thirty wasn't that early, after all.  And we did get an early start which meant we'd get to our destination earlier.  In fact, I started to think it may have been a brilliant idea!

But so help me, that man is dead meat if that wrinkled old lady shows up in his dreams again tonight!

-- You can reach Laura at lsnyder@lauraonlife.com Or visit her Web site www.lauraonlife.com for more columns and info about her new book.