Opinion

What men look for in a woman

Saturday, January 14, 2006

Carol down at the Rocket Inn in Indianola told me she wished I would write more about relationships and less about politics. That's probably a good idea. Based on the responses the paper receives whenever I write a political column, I appear to be out on an island by myself, especially in this neck of the woods.

After Carol and I had that conversation the other day, I went home and did a little research in regards to the qualities and attributes men desire in women. I thought I would share them with you in this weeks‚ column. I synthesized several different polls and research instruments in putting together a list of desires that show up the most often. Some of them have been around forever, some are new, many are provocative. The headings come from the research, the narrative is my own.

At the top of most lists, men are seeking to love and be loved. This should come as no surprise. We live in a culture in which romantic love is the basic and most important reason for marriage. When men fall, they tend to fall all the way and they want, or at least hope, that the women they've fallen for with be just as much in love with them.

Physical attractiveness. Some people might see this quality as being superficial or shallow but it's not. The first thing we notice about anyone we come into contact with is what they look like. The good thing is that we all have different definitions and concepts of what physical attractiveness is. Someone I think is gorgeous may not be gorgeous to you at all. That's exactly what happens when we see couples that don't "go together" physically. We think one is much more attractive than the other and we wonder how they got together. They got together because the only thing important about physical attractiveness is in the eye of the beholder. If I think the woman I'm in love with is gorgeous, then she's gorgeous to me, whether she is to you or not.

Attractiveness on the inside. Many of us have been physically attracted to a person only to discover the better we get to know them, the less physically attractive they are. In fact, some people can go from being physically attractive to physically unattractive in a very short period of time, to the point that we don't know why we were ever attracted to them to begin with. That's because we've gotten to know who they are on the inside and the inside doesn't match the outside. If the inside is ugly, the outside eventually becomes ugly as well.

Personality congruence. For a relationship to have its best chance to survive, there must be a mutual joining of the two different personalities involved. The research has shown that all of us have "gaps" to fill in regards to our own personality development and many of us are likely to be attracted to people who have characteristics we don't. It's much more likely, for example, for a person with a reserved personality to be compatible with someone with an outgoing personality than it is for two reserved personalities or two outgoing personalities to be compatible. But however the combination ends up, it has to be a combination both people are comfortable with and each one finds desirable.

Trustworthy.  This was probably a consensus number two, although I didn't assign value points. Being able to trust the woman you're in love with is so vitally important to most men, especially knowing how other men are so often on the prowl. We want to believe that she is devoted and dedicated to us and, consequently, would not have her "head turned" by any other man, regardless of his looks, status, stature, personality, wealth, or anything else.

Life partner and best friend. Although these came up as separate entities in the research, they are so connected that I put them together. Men want a partner they can walk through life with and that partner is best when they're our best friends. When I feel like I could take on the world with her by my side, then I know I've found the optimum combination of the above two ideas. When I would give anything, risk anything, and do anything as long as she was with me, I know I've found the person who was meant to be in my life.

They make us happy.  This seems to simple and yet it is so evasive to so many couples. The thought of her makes us happy. Being with her makes us happy. Looking at her face or into her eyes makes us happy. Visualizing her when we're not with her makes us happy. Everything about her makes us happy. As I was once told by someone I loved and who loved me back, "you make me feel like I'm 14 again every time I see your face." That's the way it should be, not just in the initial stages of a relationship but forever.

I'm out of room for this week's column but the list isn't finished so I'll complete it next week with part two of what men want in a woman. There are several more things to come.

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