Opinion

There ought to be a law

Friday, July 30, 2004

There ought to be a law against stealing. Now I know you think we do have laws against stealing and, in many cases, we do. But there's one particular area where we don't and it's the most important of all.

There are no laws against stealing our time, the most precious commodity we have. Carl Sandburg wrote:

Time is the coin of your life,

and only you can determine how it will be spent.

Be careful lest you let other people spend it for you.

Most of us are not very good shepherds of time. We waste a lot of it. Or we throw it away. We work at jobs we don't like, live with people we don't love, and spend our free time doing things that don't matter. But most of us are quick to note that none of this is our fault. These are the circumstances we find ourselves in and we're only doing the best we can. We're good at alibiing and better at blaming others for our "choices."

The question of this column, though, is how much of the time we waste is really our fault and how much really IS someone else's?

We live in a social world. Abundant research has been conducted that proves unequivocally that we are social animals. We need each other. In fact, we can't live without each other. On those rare occasions when people have been denied human contact, they die at much earlier ages than those people who engage in human interaction. So, understanding that, if we're going to live with and around others, we have certain obligations and responsibilities to live up to. This is where the whole question of "whose fault is it?" becomes muddled. Once other people enter into our lives, our life no longer belongs entirely and exclusively to us.

If we tried to do that, we would be called selfish and self-centered because we would only care about us. There ARE people like that and most of us know at least one. These aren't qualities that are admired in our society and we risk further social isolation if people see these qualities in us.

In our jobs, for example, we are expected to work for the common good of our employer. Even in those jobs that take note of and reward individuality, we are still expected to do it within the framework of the company parameters. Those people who constantly go outside those lines are often seen as being counterproductive to the overall goals of the company, even when they are making positive contributions. If the person, in expressing their individuality, makes money for the company, then these trips outside the lines will be tolerated, but usually not praised. On the other hand, a person's individuality will put his job in jeopardy if the company is not profiting from his behavior. So how much of his life is his, and how much, as Tennessee Ernie Ford once sang, "belongs to the company store?" And, in the process, time is being stolen.

In relationships we often hear of two becoming one. That when two people fall in love with each other, each separate "me" becomes a "we." We're no longer seen as an individual but as a couple. And, if both people are on the same page, working towards the same goals, with their hearts and souls joined together as one, then that is as it should be.

But how many couples do you know that fit this definition? On the other hand, how many people do you know in relationships that act anything BUT as a couple? One goes one way, the other goes the other. There's no love, no intimacy, no sharing, and no caring. But they stay together, because of the kids, or family, or friends, or social status or whatever. And, in the process, time is being stolen.

And how about friendships? How many friendships are truly based on a mutual trust and affection for each other? How many "friends" really care about what you want and need and feel? And when you confide to your friends about problem areas of your life, how many of them want to help you solve your problem so you'll be happy as compared to the number who want you to get over the problem because it's having an adverse affect on the friendship?

Is it possible most friends care much more about themselves than they do you? They're with you because you share common interests with them, they enjoy your company, they want to be with you.

But what if you had a decision to make in your life that might require you to leave these friendships behind?

How many of them would encourage you to do it if that's what would make you happy and how many of them would discourage you from doing it because they're afraid they might lose someone to do things with or hang out with? And, in the process, time is being stolen.

Life is filled every single day with choices. Many of us don't make good choices. We don't make good choices because we use the wrong variables, the wrong formula, in making up our minds. We truly are ultimately responsible for our own happiness. Yet how many of us are truly capable of being honest enough with ourselves to determine what really makes us happy? That's the toughest part to life, I think. Cutting through all the static and reaching a point in our own beings where we know what makes us the happiest. And the answer keeps coming back the same for those who have experienced this revelation.

We are happiest when we love and are loved. We are happiest when there's one other person in the world we care about and they care about us. We are happiest when we're able to be ourselves and know that we will be supported and lifted up by the one who loves us. We are happiest when we can express not only joy and love and intimacy with another person but when we can also express pain and fear and disillusionment and disenchantment and know that person will continue to love us, no matter what.

Regardless of all the rationalizations we make about maintaining the status quo and doing what needs to be done, if we aren't experiencing the things mentioned in the above paragraph every day of our lives, then our time is being stolen.

And so is our life.

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