It's not as hard as we make it

Tuesday, September 2, 2003

"Why doesn't he act like I want him to?" and "why doesn't she do what I want her to do?" are the two questions that come up most often in regards to relationships. Of course, there are easy answers to these questions but there are also difficulties hidden within the answers.

The easy answer is that we are all different. When you think about it, it's pretty amazing that any two people can maintain a long-term relationship to begin with. Think about it. Any two people come from totally different socialization experiences. We're raised in different families, with different value and moral instructions. The role modeling done by our parents are different. Our interactions with our siblings, if we have any, is different. Our friends are different. Our emotional responses are different. Our intellectual capacities are different. Our interests are different. Our desires are different. Everything is different.

The only real commonality we share is that we've fallen in love with each other. And regardless of what the songs and the poems say, love really doesn't conquer all. These differences have to somehow be reconciled. Common ground has to be reached. Compromises have to take place. So many people believe that as long as they're in love, everything else will fall into place. But it won't without work. And it won't without effort.

By nature, we are selfish people. We want what WE want. We want to be happy, we want to be satisfied, we want to be content. Consequently, we not only want, we EXPECT, that the person we're in love with should be able to make us happy. In fact, when you hear couples who say they are happily married speak about their relationships, this is a common thread that often weaves through their comments. The person they're in love with makes them happy. To quote the love of my life in a card she gave me, "you bring a smile to my face and joy to my heart." That's an expectation we all have.

It's not an unrealistic expectation either. Why would anyone want to share their life with a person who DIDN'T bring a smile to their face and joy to their heart? Why would anyone waste any of their days in a relationship with someone who didn't make them happy? The problem with the expectation comes in the way we go about making it happen. Far too many people simply fold their arms and wait on the other person to make them happy. It's pretty obvious how the relationship is going to turn out if the other person is doing the same thing. It ends in disaster.

The very best way to cement the loving nature of a relationship is in GIVING, not taking. Give the other person what they want first. If they love us, they will then do whatever they can to make us happy. When both people are giving instead of taking, miraculous things happen. When we are sensitive and caring enough to understand the needs, the wants and the desires of the other person and we take the first steps to make those things come true, the other person will do the same for us, if they love us, care about us, care about the relationship and are stable enough to know that we get much more out of life with honey than we do with vinegar.

On the other hand, if you're in a relationship with a selfish person who is a taker, your back is up against the wall in terms of having any chance at all for a long-term, happy, fulfilled, committed relationship. Takers tend to be rigid in thought and mind and are not prone to giving or anticipating the needs of others. Those who stay in these kinds of relationships, hoping for a change that's never going to come, continue to grow farther and farther apart until there are literally two strangers living under the same roof.

One of the saddest things we see on a daily basis is two people who are married in name only. They may be in the same place but there's no indication they're together. There's no intimacy and no bond. It's like they are roommates rather than spouses. I've seen couples in restaurants who will come in, order, eat their meals and leave, without saying a word to each other, literally. What a waste of a life and a relationship. If we could just put our selfish side on the back burner and do whatever we can do to make the person we're in love with happy, we will get back everything we give 10 times over. If we don't get it back, we need to run, not walk, to the nearest door.

It's a life-saving decision.

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