The language of love?

Thursday, May 9, 2002
Gloria Masoner

Schools around the world should require a new language class -- Context of the English Language 101.

It seems to be an ongoing problem in the battle of the sexes.

For women it should be understood a comment such as, "I can't find any clean shirts," doesn't mean he is going to march to the laundry room and wash, dry, iron, fold and put away a load.

For men, "The grass is taller than the fence," doesn't mean she intends to run out and buy gas for the lawn mower.

Last weekend, my 13-year-old son, Jeremy and I, spent our entire Saturday in the basement cutting little pieces of wood and tiling them on the new bar we are putting in.

At about the time we were finishing up, Brad made it home from work.

"What do you think," we asked him in unison.

"Well," he said, "It's different."

Darn, I was going for dull and mundane -- something exactly like every other bar in the country.

For those of you who don't understand -- different is not often taken as a compliment. In the world of music, Marilyn Manson is different. The rapper Eminem is different. Bach, Beethoven and Mozart created works of art.

I was hoping our woodwork, which had taken at least eight hours to complete, would fall somewhere in between the two categories even it was at the lower end of the scale.

Another word that drives me insane is "whatever." I don't mean "whatever" as in the statement; "It's all right if you want to buy that, Gloria. You know you can buy 'whatever' you want."

I mean "whatever" in the way someone will answer a question with "Whatever" or respond to a statement with "Whatever."

Usually it happens in the middle of some kind of heated discussion.

"I'm tired of coming home every night and finding your socks in the middle of the room," I'll tell him. "Am I going to have to hire a maid to come in and pick up after you every night?"

"Whatever," he'll say with a bit of a growl.

How exactly am I supposed to take that? I'm guessing it's not delivered in the same context of "You know you can buy whatever you want," but hey, why can't I interpret the context and hire a maid the next morning?

Of course I have developed the habit of using the word myself. "We really need to get busy with the yard work and try to get something done around here," he'll say.

"Yeah right, whatever," I'll respond. Usually, when he hears it he knows he'll have to initiate the action.

"We" is another problem word. Why is it some people believe we is a singular pronoun directed at another person? The word should be deleted from the English language and replaced with you and I.

Let's face it "we" are not going to get the bathroom in the basement finished. "We" are surely not going to paint the exterior of the house and put up the new gutter and "we" won't be able to find the time to get the house clean and the new roof on. Brad's schedule is much too busy.

You and I should learn to tell it like it is.

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