Friday Fun

Posted Friday, November 27, 2009, at 7:41 AM

Off To A Good Start?

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa . 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?' After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the altar. Everyone started screaming and running for the entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, 'Don't you know who I am?

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain' t.' said the man.

'Don't you realize I can kill with a word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan?

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.

'Nope,' said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Well, why aren't you afraid of me?'

The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 54 years.'

Groups of Americans were travelling by tour bus through Holland . As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These,' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?' A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!

What Pets Write In Their Diaries...

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary......

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watc hed TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary...

Day 983 of my captivity...

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.

Have a great weekend everyone!

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SOME FARM FACTS TO SHARE AT YOUR THANKSGIVING GATHERING

Beef Checkoff reports:

The average U.S. farmer now feeds 144 people a day, in the United States and abroad, compared to 46 people in 1960. And, many consumers aren't aware of where their food comes from, since the average American is now three generations removed from farming as a livelihood.

"Farmers and ranchers not only provide the food we eat, but also help sustain rural communities, preserve open space and wildlife habitat, and protect the environment," said North Dakota Stockmen's Association (NDSA) President Jack Reich, a Zap, N.D., rancher.

Here are a few farm facts:

* U.S. consumers spend about 10 percent of their disposable income on food, compared to 22 percent in the United Kingdom, 26 percent in Japan and 28 percent in South Africa

* Farmers and ranchers provide food and habitat for 75 percent of the nation's wildlife

* The U.S. beef industry is comprised of 1 million beef and dairy producers, 75 percent of whom work on operations that have been in the family for at least two generations

* The average U.S. farm is 441 acres; 99 percent are classified as family operations. About 41 percent of total U.S. land area is farm land

* 85 percent of U.S. grazing lands are unsuitable for crops; grazing animals on this land more than doubles the land that can be used to raise other foods.

-- Posted by HerndonHank on Fri, Nov 27, 2009, at 9:39 AM

Brian--

Wow. I thought I was being paranoid, but apparently not. My cat IS out to get me!

Thanks for a good laugh late on a Friday afternoon.

-- Posted by newdawn on Fri, Nov 27, 2009, at 3:51 PM